A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
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The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
getting corrected
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.