Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
You Might Also Like
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
This meal prepping shit is easy
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”