Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
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6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
grotesque if literal: baby food
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
I triple waxed for this?
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?