The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
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Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
I think my husband is beginning to suspect