[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
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Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over