me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
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I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
classic mixup
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.