WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
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Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
And bowling should be called pinball
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.