Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
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why no one uses midhusbands
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure