2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
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Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
i want to work in this restaurant
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA