Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
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If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
this will hang in the louvre one day
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.