Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
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I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Body by Oreos
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Sell your car
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.