doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
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Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.