Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
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Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.