*offers Batman cough drops*
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[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.