Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
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How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally