How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
You Might Also Like
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
This is Sparta
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back