me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
You Might Also Like
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
I had to Stop for this
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…