Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
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I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.