Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
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unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
idk what he going thru but i feel him
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’