Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
You Might Also Like
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow