Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
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I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
🙂🙃🥹
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this