Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
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I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Good point.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.