Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
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2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine