Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
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I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts