I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
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Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
are there any atheist mantises?
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”