“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
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“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
For the orator and chef in all of us
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.