Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
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When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Always 🥴
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
me
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”