*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
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if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.