A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
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Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
This was a bad idea all around
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Ah yes. The three genders
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…