If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
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Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
WWE is French for “yes”
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so