*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
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FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …