[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
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In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?