[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
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“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies