DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
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A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
grotesque if literal: baby food
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights