“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
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I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in