If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
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*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
I am also baked goods
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.