Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
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Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates