Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
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Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
#oldknees
english majors be like furthermore
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
“no gods no masters” = leo
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.