After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
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grotesque if literal: baby food
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Coffee for people with no kids
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Everyone’s family