I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
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God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor