I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
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Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.