85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
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Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?