We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
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Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Good morning!
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Saw your ex at the shops
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Woke up against my better judgement again
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”