Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
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Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
#Caturday
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Ugh
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.