Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
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*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.