The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
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911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
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My back has gone out more than I have this year.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
How your email finds me
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
WWE is French for “yes”
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.