I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
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[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.