The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
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The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean