[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
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This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.