Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
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Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.